FREE DOG

Posted by Jon in HB | 9:20 AM | 7 comments »


I'm giving away only one, so hurry up and be the first one to contact me or you might miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity!
If you want a myopic, eighty-nine year old, dirty-white, American Eskimo, she's yours.
You must be willing to deal with a few issues. She eats only boiled chicken, plain rice cakes, and outrageously expensive kibble that can only be bought from her vet. You must be ok with non stop barking that sounds like an elderly woman that has smoked since she was twelve. Periodic vomit, that is really just her last six drinks of water with a few blades of grass, must not upset you. Flatulence so bad that GITMO, has deemed it cruel and unusual punishment must not be a problem for you. She has absolutely no concept of where she is, in relation to other objects in the room. This causes her to walk too slowly in front of you or, makes her try to occupy the space that you are currently occupying. You should be willing to scrape crud out of her Sammy Davis Jr. eyes every forty-five minutes. And please, do not forget to administer her phenobarbital every morning or theses issues may worsen!

If interested, call me ASAP. And please, don't tell Gina or her grandmother about this. It will be our little secret. I just have to figure out what to tell them!

7 comments

  1. Kristi // September 23, 2008 at 2:52 PM  

    Or you could just have my beautiful Golden REtriever. Who is the kindest dog ever, but just needs more love and space than I can give her....anyone, anyone?

  2. discomommy // September 24, 2008 at 6:32 AM  

    She really is that wonderful! And so much more!

    She licks the floor continuously. The clink of the ID tag of the floor will drive you insane.

    You must administer eye drops (4 different ones) every 2 hours.

    She needs to be let out to go potty every night between 1:30-3:30 am. Don't count on sleeping through the night.

    She drools after drinking water, leaving a trail across the floor. And while she is at the dish, she drinks with one foot in the water which also leaves a cute trail of pawprints across the floor.

    And as a bonus, she comes with her own personal groomer that comes to you to syle her hair and dress her really cute!

  3. discomommy // September 24, 2008 at 6:32 AM  

    KT-that sounds like an even trade! Let's make the exchange today! You won't regret it!

  4. VikingMom // September 25, 2008 at 4:51 PM  
    This comment has been removed by the author.
  5. VikingMom // September 25, 2008 at 4:52 PM  

    I was going to ask if she was the one who licked the floor, but obviously my question was answered. Did you do something special or wrong in this life that God thought it would be fun to give you this dog? Did you torture small animals? Make fun of tourist at Disneyland? Whaddya do?

    (Sorry about the deleted comment...it had a typo.)

  6. Jon in HB // September 25, 2008 at 6:14 PM  

    I married a beautiful woman that can't say "no".

  7. discomommy // September 25, 2008 at 6:41 PM  

    Which is exactly why we are married. Try as I might, I just can't say no. He was the first to ask. He wins!