Inside My Studio

Admit it! You've all seen the show. James Lipton cruising through a skyscraper stack of blue note cards, delving deep in to the guest's innermost tragic and personal issues; like how he was the fat kid in high school so acting was his escape, or how she was told by her drunk mother that she would never amount to anything and winning the Oscar was her pay back, or how his struggle with heroine really taught him how to get to that dark place inside of them that helped them in their latest role. They talk about their "craft" and how great it was to work with that director that was accused of rape (he's just misunderstood). Then they all talk about that time they worked with Al, Jack, Marlon, or Meryl. They call Scorsese "Marty" and DeNiro "Bobby."

Finally it's time! Time for the questions. Those ten questions James asks every one on the show. They were adapted from a questionnaire written by the French television host (you have to read this in your best pompous French accent) Bernard Pivot. This is the part of the show where every actor looks as if they've never heard of this part of the show. Or they have that look on their face like, "oh, my gosh! I was not expecting this! I totally forgot that you ask these questions! You've caught me totally of guard!" When you know they've been writing and rewriting their responses since the minute their agent told them they were going to be on the show. Then as James asks each question the actor thinks long and hard, trying to sound insightful or profound, or they try to sound quick witted and spontaneous.

It's actually an interesting questionnaire and if you haven't thought of your own answers for it, your a liar. Since I am resigned to the fact that my fame will never reach outside of my house (or outside of my head, as my Gina might say) I know that I will never sit on that stage to answer those questions. So here it goes, this is my personal, one sided blog interview with James Lipton as he asks me those famous ten questions...

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James: Jon, what is your favorite word?

Jon: I love to use cacophony and frenetic as often as possible, but only if it truly fits in to conversation. I wouldn't go out of my way to use it. But there are times when those words are the most appropriate words to use.

James: What is your least favorite word?

Jon: Tampon.

James: What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Jon: Other people's creativity, spirituality, or emotions. I feed off others that are truly in to something and go from there.

James: What turns you off creatively, spiritually or emotionally?

Jon: Humidity.

James: What sound or noise do you love?

Jon: Locusts on a warm summer night. But in the air conditioning away from the humidity.

James: What sound or noise do you hate?

Jon: Non stop dog barking.

James: What is your favorite curse word?

Jon: In front of children it is 'Sassafras'. After they go to bed...it's the F-word I go to most often.

James: What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Jon: I would love to be able to sit in front of a piano and play and sing anything. Billy Joel, Elton John, guys like that amaze me!

James: What profession would you not like to do?

Jon: Anything involving adult diapers.

James: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

Jon: "Well done, good and faithful servant!"

...and scene.